Sports

Dallas Cowboys show a shocking-yet-predictable level of self-awareness

Bean head.
Image: Getty Images

The best part about the Dallas Cowboys is making fun of them. Whether it’s Dak Prescott trying his best to follow in the footsteps of Tony Romo as the quarterback most likely to trip before the finish line, or the annual “Zeke Elliot is back story” after he shows up without a visible gut, it’s supremely easy to shit on America’s Team. (Can it be America’s Team if the state the ’Boys reside in is always trying to secede from… America?)

Of course none of this would be possible without the help of Jerry Jones, whose act has become so tired it should have its own residency at Caesars. Jones’ latest gimmick is partnering with Black Rifle Coffee Co., a Second Amendment-inspired java joint that sells such roasts as AK Espresso, Silencer Smooth, Freedom Fuel, and Coffee or Die.

The business is owned and run by veterans… which is where the good PR for this partnership ends. In addition to being the embodiment of how to vilify vets, the roasters offer merch plastered with AR-15-styled silhouettes on top of American or Texas flags. If you like a little levity infused with your gun-promo paraphernalia, they offer swag with roosters, Sasquatch, and a Mickey Mouse spinoff “Gat Rat” toting firearms. Co-founder and Chief Branding Officer Mat Best is holding a weapon in his picture on the “Who We Are” page.

The kicker to the BRCC is they source beans from South America. Granted there are only a few states in the U.S that produce beans, so the logistics of remaining homegrown are difficult, but LOL. Nothing says national pride like sipping some Brazilian grounds before going out to slaughter a bunch of deer with a semi-automatic weapon.

If the Cowboys simply read the room — or turned on a newscast — they’d know how greasy this feels. People are literally shooting up Independence Day parades, and the marketing gurus in Arlington are like, “But Jerry, it’s free coffee.”

If the random business owners in Rifle, Colorado, who purchased the building that houses Rep. Lauren Boebert’s campaign headquarters and her gun-inspired diner, Shooter’s, had the business acumen to not renew her lease, then the Dallas fucking Cowboys should have enough common sense to know that buddying up with gun activists was Mad Men’s Freddy-Rumsen-pissing-himself-during-a-pitch-meeting bad.

Doing it a day after a deadly shooting in a Chicago suburb, and a month-and-a-half after 19 children and two teachers were massacred in Uvalde, Texas, is even worse. It lacks morals, decorum, human decency, or any term you’d use for a person who trades their soul for a few dollars and a latte. Why not announce Gat Rat night at AT&T Stadium while you’re at it?

Unfortunately, we know the reason why innocent Americans are at risk during everyday life: Money and the Second Amendment. If gun enthusiasts aren’t draping themselves in the Stars and Stripes and yammering on about arming teachers, there’s a politician excitedly taking a payout from the NRA.

I personally reveled in the news that Coloradans will soon be deprived of the Guan Nine, the Ruger Reuben, and food poisoning at the hands of Boebert. However, I’m not naive enough to think that’ll end her reign as the Republican most likely to shoot off her big toe on the House floor. This week alone, she won her primary and used the first mass shooting in Denmark since 2015 as a way to rail against gun laws.

The helplessness of it all is the most frustrating part. If the Cowboys and Jones walk back the deal with BRCC, there might be a larger outcry in Texas than the abyss I’m screaming into now. I can see the tweets now — “The libs hate veterans!” and “Coffee didn’t kill those kids!”

The Cowboys could’ve partnered with any number of coffee companies that aren’t actively promoting guns. They didn’t though, and that’s why Jerry Jones is NFL fans’ least favorite piece of cognizant sludge. I’d offer a few more jokes if it wasn’t so depressing.


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