Politics

New York Community Sees a Series of Attacks by Vicious Squirrels

 

If there’s one I thing I can say about 2020, it’s that the year has been…squirrelly.

And in many ways, this year bites.

Royally.

It seems fitting, then, that in Queens, a community’s recently endured a series of vicious squirrel attacks.

As relayed by WABC, over the last month, at least five instances of the raging rodents ravaging residents have been reported.

Most of the havoc wreaked by the fidgety fiends has happened on 65th Drive near Fitchett Street, in the neighborhood of Rego Park.

In one case, a stark raving mad mammal maimed Micheline Frederick.

On December 21st, she was minding her own business when a bushy-tailed beast ambushed her:

“It just basically runs up my leg, and I’m like, ‘Okay squirrel, hello, what are you doing?’”

The miniature mauler went medieval:

“He either bit or scratched me on my neck, and then I must have reached over and next thing I know, it’s a cage match and I’m losing.”

ABC7 crystallizes the carnage:

Her hands were covered with blood and bruises. She got a rabies shot as a precaution before warning her neighbor, Licia Wang.

A nut-smuggler also attacked Wang:

“I tried to shake it off, but I couldn’t. Squirrels have claws, cling onto your winter jacket, there’s no way to shake it off.”

At least three others have been assaulted by either single rogue squirrels or a pack of the angry acorn addicts.

Victims asked the city for protection, but they were told to hire their own licensed trapper.

So they did; thus far, it hasn’t helped.

Micheline said the community’s concerned for its own anklebiters:

“Worried for the children, that’s what most people are scared with the kids.”

Some experts believe the squirrels are approaching more humans because they’ve been fed, but that doesn’t explain the aggression.

For my part, I believe the furry freaks are evolving.

Think we can’t be overtaken?

When the relatives of rats start waterskiing and stealing planes, it’s only a matter of time:

Anika Singh Sood — witness to some of the scurrying scoundrels’ dirty deeds — told WABC she’s had to start packing heat:

“When we leave the house, we have to carry mom’s homemade pepper spray to make sure if it comes at us, we spray it.”

But if you’re not presently panicked over the pocket-sized punks perfectly primed to gnaw your necks…

It seems there’s a bigger bunch of bandits on the rise.

And they’re ravenously ready eat your wieners:



-ALEX

 

 

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