Politics

Gold Mettle: Olympian’s Penis Freezes, but He Won’t Give Up

For those of you from the ice cream truck era, what’s your favorite frozen treat?

Is it a King Cone? A Screwball? A Creamsicle?

Apropos of frozen goods, at the Winter Olympics Saturday, an athlete accidentally invented his own cold curiosity.

As reported by The Guardian, the Bejing Games featured a frightfully frigid incident during the men’s 30km skiing race.

For Finland’s Remi Lindholm, it was a recurrent casualty of inclement cross-country competition:

Lindholm spent just under an hour and 16 minutes traversing the course in howling, freezing winds, leading to his penis becoming frozen for the second time in a cross-country skiing race, following a similar incident in Ruka, Finland last year.

The Olympian confirmed his calamity:

“You can guess which body part was a little bit frozen when I finished … it was one of the worst competitions I’ve been in. It was just about battling through.”

At the end of the race, Remi required a heating pack to thaw his iced extremity.

And no wonder:

With organizers worried about frostbite during [the] race, it was delayed by an hour and shortened by 20km (from 50). The thin suits and under-layers worn by racers, as well as plasters to cover their faces and ears, offered little protection.

It’s not the first time men’s unmentionables have made the news:

Billionaire Diamond Mogul Dies During Penis Enlargement Surgery

Private Party: An Egyptian Woman Is Arrested for Cooking Crotchety Cupcakes

A Woman Undergoes Surgery to Have a Penis Added, but Doctors Remove Her Vagina – Which She Wanted to Keep

Even so, it isn’t often one hears of phallic frostbite.

Remi was clearly bent to make a mark for his homeland. In his reach for the finish, fortunately, he never poked over his skis. Planting his flag surely wouldn’t have been worth the fall.

As I understand it, objects chilled are easily exploded:

Had he met with mere breakage, he might’ve been made whole…

Still, thank heavens he finished the race in one piece.

At the Olympics, only the very best can emerge. The world’s most elite athletes gather and give their all to stick out.

For Remi Lindholm, that attempt involved an iced sickle of sorts. And while his rigid relinquishment of well-being may not befit Mr. Softee, perhaps Finland can produce a refrigerated refreshment in salute to his sacrifice.

After all, his appendage has now gone all-the-way-arctic twice.

And recovery, he made clear, was no ice cream and cake:

“When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable.”

If he’s still set on hitting the harshest slopes, through a miracle of medical science, weatherproofing’s waiting:

Then again, Remi, maybe look into a summertime sport.

-ALEX

 

See more content from me:

Bill Maher Levels Left-Wing Lunacy Flocking the Faces of America’s Kids

The Masks Come off in Another Blue State, but How Long Will the Reprieve Really Last?

The Ol’ College Try: Prestigious University Asks Students to Spin the ‘Wheel of Fornication’

Find all my RedState work here.

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